When we are raised with a harsh authoritarian parent, we adapt. Adaptation means that our own parts come to expect harshness and authoritarianism in the world around us. We anticipate abuse and we prepare for it. Some parts of us have to learn to agree with the abuse we're experiencing in order to continue to have faith in our parents as caregivers. They can't be wrong. We can't lose faith in the people we are utterly dependent on; that kind of loss of faith equates to hopelessness and death. So, our protector parts continue to invest in our relationship with our abusive parents, and continue to *believe* that their muscle and might is what gives them the ability to care for us.
And then when we grow up, we find ourselves still drawn to these kinds of power-over dynamics, because they feel like home. We wouldn’t know who we are if there wasn't someone threatening in charge. We don’t believe that leadership can be kind, respectful, and empowering of us while simultaneously being effective. We seek out those familiar authoritarian kinds of partners, bosses and presidents - or we become those kinds of leaders ourselves. We identify meanness and power mongering as strength.
IFS teaches us that the most trustworthy leadership is rooted in compassion and calmness. Through getting to know the fears of our own protective parts, we discover what actually brings peace and connection and we learn firsthand that it isn't meanness, bullying or threats that helps us. We find out that respect and validation is what creates trust and health. We come to find out that the strongest leaders are those who have access to their own Self-energy - the folks who've done some digging and evolving and aren’t ruled by their young, impulsive/reactive parts. Getting curious about your Mom Parts (or whatever parts you have inside of you) and starting to see how your own defensive and protective system is constructed, gives you hore humanity. More humility. More compassion and insight for the world around you.
When we shift away from letting harsh authoritarian parts run things inside of us, we become better parents. Kindness inside = more kindness outside. When we are able to stop perpetuating cycles of power-over in our own internal world, then we no longer look at leaders who use fear and humiliation to make people "cooperate" as acceptable.
We have the ability to do this. Maybe it doesn't feel very hopeful today. But, the area of influence you DO have right now exists within your own internal system - and within your own family and network. Focus there. Start with you. Let's clean up the leadership inside of ourselves, so that we are flooded, at least internally, with incredibly uplifting, supportive, unifying messages. Start listening to what your own loud parts are saying, and see if you can help those parts feel heard and validated - so that they can relax a little and sink into a more connected, quiet space. You still belong here. I'm right here with you. And here are some words your system may want to absorb and run with:
You're doing a really good job.
I see you and appreciate you so much.
This is hard, but I admire how you're showing up.
Of course you're mad/crying/struggling. That makes sense.
Give me a hug.
I love you.
Related Posts
